Articles
No More Deaf Ears
According to the Bureau of Justice, there is a domestic violence incident every 20 minutes. That is more than 10 million incidents each year. If these were all separate cases, it would affect a good portion of this country's citizens; unfortunately, many are repeat victims. In all these cases, someone close to the victim is responsible for the abuse. Some of those cases end in the death of the victim.
What's this got to do with you and me? Good question. Some of you reading this may think it has nothing to do with you or is a subject unrelated to Christians, the church, or is not really beneficial spiritual instruction. I imagine many who read this think this is off-topic and not something worth talking about because they do not know someone who has suffered domestic violence. There's a reason for that.
Many victims of domestic violence hide the bruises or make excuses for them. Some are embarrassed and others actually feel like they did something to deserve it. [That is never true.] The perpetrators don't go around telling anyone they are the offender, either. Domestic violence is often hidden by both sides involved, and is often only revealed by outsiders. A neighbor hears the screaming and furniture being smashed and calls the police. A friend at work no longer believes the excuses and does not take "no" for an answer anymore.
Again, you may be wondering what this has to do with you, the church, or spiritual instruction. Here's the answer, but you might not like it: The sad truth is, there are individuals within the Lord's church who have been on the receiving end of domestic violence. The sad truth is, there are individuals within the Lord's church who have been perpetrators of domestic violence. The sad truth is, in some cases where a woman who was abused finally gathered enough courage to tell someone within the church where she worshiped, the response was shamefully insufficient and even cold-hearted and absolutely nothing was done.
I could spend the rest of the discussion talking about the reasons, but I will just mention a few I know of, and which should never happen again.
First, some refuse to deal with these cases because they cannot believe this happens in families comprised of Christians. Second, some refuse to deal with these cases because they are embarrassed to discover this happens in families comprised of Christians. Finally, some refuse to deal with these cases because they don't know what to do in situations such as this. I know these things happen, and there are many more reasons, but let us stop and think about this for a minute, and let us resolve to get better.
Too Hard To Believe? Why do we find it so incredible that Christians would also be involved in domestic violence, either as perpetrators or as victims? We easily accept those of the world might be guilty, but is there some sin that doesn't touch Christians? John reminds us, “We know that we are of God, and the whole world lies under the sway of the wicked one” (1 John 5:19), but we also know Christians still sin, too (1 John 1:8).
Maybe we don't want to believe a fellow Christian would be a victim, much less a perpetrator, but let us not allow what we want to be true blind us to what is actually true. I know of a case where a young woman went to the wife of one of the elders and the response was…nothing. The woman wouldn't even speak to her after that, and even tried to avoid eye contact! [How do you think the victim felt after that?] If you think it is hard for you to believe a fellow sister in Christ could be a victim of domestic violence — and at the hands of one of your fellow brothers in Christ — imagine how she feels about it! Don't let the incredulity of the situation cause us to overlook or ignore the facts. Far too many victims have found no help for the simple fact others simply could not believe it. Imagine how a victim feels when she goes to a sister or to her elders for help and they don't believe her? Let us do better.
What Is The Right Thing To Do? One of the most difficult things a victim must face is the reality of fellow disciples not knowing how to handle it. Should we believe her when she is the only one who is going to bring it to someone's attention? [Do we have to have “two or three witnesses”?] If we believe her, what should we do to the perpetrator, if he is a Christian? [Is it a sin and should this be treated differently?] These questions and more often prevent any further action, but such should not be the case.
As to the question of accepting her word on the matter, common sense should prevail, along with a reasonable look at the Scriptures. First, is it a sin? Since most domestic violence begins with arguments, with some harsh language, accusations, and yelling, consider that Paul wrote, “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice” (Eph. 4:32). I think this verse alone describes much of what occurs during a domestic dispute that leads to violence. At the very least, the command of Jesus, “whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them” (Matt. 7:12), is one that is transgressed by domestic violence.
I also know that domestic abuse and violence does not fit with the Scriptural pattern of how a husband and wife should treat one another. A wife is to respect her husband and a husband is to love his wife as he loves himself (Eph. 5:33), and that is absent in a case of domestic abuse and/or violence.
Yes, it is sin and, yes, it should be dealt with exactly as one would other sins. We don't require “two or three witnesses” for many other sins [remember, that is a command of the Old Law, Deut. 19:15], so why is it we are so insistent on these cases, especially when most cases are going to be a he-said/she-said case? We are not treating these cases as we would other sins, and with sad results. The abuse continues, trust is broken with fellow believers when no help is offered, and the perpetrator is unchallenged. What other sin do we simply take the word of the offender, or — unbelievably — simply tell him, "Let's not do that again," with no rebuke or consequences for his actions? Let us do better.
Intervene! You don't have to tell me these cases are difficult — I know they are; it is difficult to even have to write about it! But the difficulty that it is and the discomfort we face when we have to deal with such cases are no excuse for inaction. These are not actions that should be ignored, taken lightly, or simply dismissed without honest and thorough investigation.
At the very least, all involved must be willing to participate in a discussion with brothers and sisters to hear the charges and give answer or a defense. Honest investigation of the testimony, the facts, and the evidence must be considered equally. It is a shame that so many women are simply not believed when they bring this to the attention of others, and such responses bring a reproach on the name of our Lord. If we care about the church “not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish” (Eph. 5:27), then we must act. Let us do better.
Let us not fall short of our duty in these sad cases. No more making excuses, no more avoiding the issue, no more delays, no more shifting responsibilities, no more closed eyes, no more deaf ears. —— Steven Harper
